Setting it as NSFW due to the sensitivity of the topic. Doing it as a kind of self-therapy kind of thing as I kept it a secret for majority of my life, feel free to ask me anything.
Do you feel safe in ‘CSA Survivor’ specific spaces? If not, do you think it’s because of inherent problems with the function of these spaces/groups, or something personal to you? Do you relate to others posts or talking about CSA, or do you feel like an outlier at times/unable to relate or connect? (Ignore if N/A)
I am not aware of those spaces and I don’t know much other CSA survivors, currently I find refuge in a paraphile community as people are more understanding and the topic doesn’t feel that much of a taboo making it easier to speak about it.
I can relate to some other posts, but only on the mental health topics, I haven’t heard a story in any way similar to mine, probably because most of people wouldn’t even perceive it as abuse, unless they have experienced it themselves.
How would you say your abuse impacted your sexuality?
A lot I would say, a large majority of my fetishes are somewhat related to the event, where those topics also can make me have an anxiety attack if I’m not in the mood. It’s a really strange thing which I still to this day not really understand and make me feel invalidated at times, because why do I keep fantasizing about it and everything around it if I would rather die than experience it again?
Have you found a sense of community with other survivors?
I don’t know much other survivors, but I guess? There are plenty in the paraphile community as far as I know. Though, I have talked with maybe two, and a lot of them went through worse things than I did making me feel a bit fake, but that’s something I need to work with myself
@kalinka@rqd2.net Is there anything you’d find it important that others understand about your experience, or not misunderstand?
Contrary to what others may think, I don’t think that event was motivated by any sexual desire from the abuser, especially that the event happened in front of my clueless parents. She abused her position as a pediatrician, maybe she wanted to show she’s in power here and I wasn’t allowed to disagree? I don’t know. What was happening was so ambiguous to me I only learned that there was something wrong when I was 19 years old, but all the trauma and anxiety was with me all this time and to this day affects me a lot to the point of disability in certain things.
You refer to your abuse as an event. So was it a singular incident? Or did it occur over a prolonged period?
It happened once when I was 12, would’ve happened more if not my absolute refusal to my parents.
When I was an older teen (~15 to ~18) I had doctor appointments of similar nature - nothing serious, just checkups, thought not really initiated by me. I strongly refused them, sometimes with threats, but it worked. It felt like I was losing control all over again, as if I was a public property to be looked at and touched on request. Those were the months where my anxiety disorder peaked and there wasn’t anything else I could think about, all my actions were based on just protecting myself - today it’s better, I’m trying to analyze situations and not make impulsive and potentially destructive decisions, though my trust to doctors is permanently gone.
Fuck, that’s awful :(
Do you have struggles forming intimate relationships because of it?
There’s a certain level of trust I have to gain before I am able to be nude in someone presence, otherwise I just panic. I’m comfortable with my current boyfriend though and I trust him a lot
