I think she does not like me anymore.

I have a very close friend which I know a very long time and a few years ago I trusted her with my paraphilias. While she dealed with that very well sometimes the thought crosses my mind that she might think I am disgusting in secret.

I asked her if she actually likes me even when she does not understand my sexual pleasures. She did not answer. Than I asked her if she hates me. She said ironically that she does.

While I know that she meant with that that she does not hate me it was not what I was hoping to hear. What I wanted to hear was something like “No, I do not hate you” After that little talk we got both very quiet and I had to hold back my tears.

And the fact that she did not tell me directly what her feelings are worries me.

What if she actulally hates me? What if she just could not say that into my face? What if she is only my friend because we know each other very long and she has nobody else?

I would like to ask her about that but I am not sure how. I dont want to sound akward or offensive.

Do you also had such experiences and do you have some advice? What do you think about my situation? I know I overthink too much but I cannot stop it.

  • Haruto311
    3·
    2 months ago

    I agree with Lara. Paraphilias are part of who we are. Anyone who can’t support us for being born with unchosen and unchangeable characteristics is called a bigot in any other regard, and it remains true when talking about paraphiles, even if our society hasn’t caught up to that fact yet. Your friend was a jerk, and you’re better off without them. It can be hard to find people who genuinely support you for who you are, and it might even be dangerous to out yourself to the wrong people. Still, that doesn’t mean you have to reject yourself to make bigots comfortable. In fact, keeping them uncomfortable is one of my favorite things to do. If we hide, they win.

    If there’s anything you need to reject, its your own self-hatred. You are valid. As long as you’re able to accept yourself as a paraphile, then you’re my family and you are loved, even if I never meet you in person. There may not be much I can do for you to help aside from writing this message, but I want these words to at least reach you and be heard. I want everyone to hear them because every paraphile and member of the radqueer community is my family, too.

    …I am incredibly aware of how sappy that was, and I apologize.