This is sort of personal, I guess I figure it is still worth sharing with you all.

I have a lot of guilt and shame around being a MAP/YAP. It’s weird to think about from a logical perspective, I’m aware of what would hurt a child and would never choose to do such things. I’m not even worried I would. I have no interest in any real contact or relationship.

Which I guess just makes it harder to figure out how I’ve come to feel this guilt. Harder to get rid of it. On top of knowing I’d never hurt anyone? I have ASPD. I care very little about peoples view of me, especially if they are not exceptions or close to me in any way.

Its isolating though, I suppose. There’s shame around knowing my recovery from self sabotaging relationships will still have an emptiness; There is this part of me I cannot share, a part that will be assumed as harmful and malicious due to ASPD stigma. Even for those who have seen me grow and those I’ve been able to develop a relationship with, there is no way they will accept that without seeing me differently. No way it doesn’t immediately make them cautious and distrustful of me.

Which is hard. I want to be true to those who actually matter to me. It just feels like a shameful and hidden recovery.

I can blame the stigma of my disorder and the stigma around youth attraction, but it will never remove the pit in my stomach (at least I doubt it could). It can’t remove the shame and guilt, only ease it. Only aid in my logical conclusion I am not in the wrong. Emotionally, I’m empty of any answers or closure for that.

I don’t know if there’s anyone like me out there, any MAP with ASPD who knows they’re stuck, or feels so. Knows how people would see them and lose trust and be cautious no matter how truly healthy and happy they are in their life.

But if there is, I want them to know I love them. And if your stories a little bit different, I love you too.

Lets hope and fight for a better future for us all. Take care of yourselves.<3