Captain Aggravated

At least this once, it objectively has not.

There will be no rings for me. I run too many power tools for that.

A strategy that has been working well for me is “Never buy jewelry of any kind ever because it’s completely pointless.”

An engagement ring is worn on your hand pretty much all the time. Opals are easily damaged, diamonds are exceptionally durable.

The fact that 1st place could cite a credible source is what really does it for me.

Mechanic: The glass isn’t broken.

Unity needs to be on this leaderboard.

Humans are predators though? In the “wild” as it were, our species are omnivorous persistence hunters.

The sets look worse too; on the blu-ray discs you can see shit like screws holding the consoles together, dirt on the floor, scuff marks on the edges of stuff from the actors’ shoes and such.

Funnily enough Voyager can’t get a similar remake because it was shot on tape, so the masters are 480i and that’s the best you’re going to get.

Step 1: make them mine for coal until they stop moving.

My mama’s got a tiny little diamond in her engagement ring. Dad offered to get her a bigger one, but she said no, let’s save that money for something more important. I believe that money got put toward a renovation of the house.

Give me a girl like mama, whose got a tiny diamond and a solid home.

That’s also why they have those goddamn cardboard displays of random bullshit standing in most aisles. They form choke points that slow you down in front of the shelves.

"If they tell you it’s spicy, it’s hot. If they tell you it’s hot, you’d better not.

Why are you bothering to lie to me?

I’m guessing some tourist trap bullshit.

It’s a really grim article but it’s goddamn hilarious that it exists. I’m just picturing someone following it step by step without reading the whole thing first. “Okay aim the gun at a point just off the side of the bony ridge, okay…” points gun at blindfolded horse “…now what? Hang on.”

Did you not read my long and detailed comment explaining exactly where the fuck are the many problems with modern telephones, or do you just like your pizza boiled?

Wait, I-95 runs all the way to Maine. Has the Earth’s magnetic field reversed? They’ve been talking about it for awhile now. What do you know, Truckerman?

I’m not afraid of phone calls. I hate phone calls. Same way I hate boiled pizza. Makes me judge your parents for the decisions you make.

Let’s walk through the average phone call, as the technology is currently implemented and people interact with it, because my username checks the fuckout.

Phone might ring. Who fucking knows? There’s one volume rocker on the side of the phone and it controls like nine different and independent volume sliders depending on what app is in control of it this specific nanosecond, so trying to turn Tom Scott down while trying to fall asleep to Something You Mighte Naught Have Knowne, you also turned your ringer off. Shrodinger’s fucking ringtone.

Phone actually rings. It’s a number from your area code you don’t recognize, which means it’s either the local Republican wanting money, or a criminal in India.

Phone actually rings, it’s someone on your contacts list for once, so you pick up the phone. Apple patented the horizontal slide, so real phones can’t use it. Instead sometimes it’s a button and sometimes it’s a touch-here-and-slide-in-any-direction. When the phone was new you set up a “gesture” where an upward motion and placing the screen near your face would automatically answer the call…that feature might have been deprecated. Did you set it up where pushing the power button would answer the call? Nope. That just hung up on them.

Phone rings again, you do the stupid slide gesture. “Hello?” Silence. Silence. Silence. Line goes dead. Okay, this is one in three phone calls that just don’t work.

Phone rings again, stupid slide gesture. It doesn’t recognize it, you try it again, it works. “Hello?” “Hello?” “Hello?” “Ah, can you hear me?” three second pause “Yeah I can year you.” (audio quality that resembles a 90’s McDonald’s drive thru speaker that’s only been pissed in once this week)

I don’t know why I haven’t started answering the phone “what the PITY FUCK did you call me for?” Because I don’t think anything more subtle will get people to get. to. the. POINT!!!

“What’s up, Bob?” “Hey Greg, it’s uh. It’s Bob.” I knew this before I answered the phone because caller ID has been a standard feature on phones since I had my first handjob, but the lead in your synapses has prevented you from internalizing this concept. We’ll try and let it soak in for another 20 years I guess. “What’s. up. Bob?” “Uh, well, nothin much, what about you?” “WHAT’S UP BOB?” “Well uh, me and uh, me and Cindy are gonna go to the uh, the uh Chinese place and get some, like, takeout or whatever? You want anything?”

“No thanks.”

“Uh well, uh, you sure, I mean like, we can get you somethin.”

“I’m sure.”

“Well uh, okay then I guess. You been doing okay?”

“Bob I’ve got something on the stove, I’ve got to go.”

“Oh alright, well, uh, I guess I’ll let you go then, talk to ya later”

take phone away from face, wait for the screen to light up again to see where the end call button is because it’s not a fucking button anymore because the amoeba that ate Steve Jobs’ brain escaped and multiplied to the rest of the tech industry, by the time you find it, the other party hung up.

===

The same exchange via SMS:

“hey wer gettin chinese want some”

“nah. thx.”

“k”

It’s been six years since we sailed away, and I just made Halifax yesterday! God damn them all!