It’s funny because I’m all “paraphiliacs are valid!” and “I will defend this community to my last breath!” and “thought crimes aren’t real!” and “having a paraphilia is not a moral failure and you’re not evil!” UNTIL IT COMES TO ME ACTUALLY HAVING A PARAPHILIA. Then it’s “LMAO you’re the scum of the earth for daring to experience sexual attraction toward an animal in any capacity even if it’s self-directed.”
How do I make that stop? I have no idea how to accept myself. I feel like if I had other autozoos to talk to (like on Tumblr or something) I’d feel a bit better but goddamn. Being both aroace and a paraphiliac feels like I’m an insult to both communities. I feel icky experiencing this attraction. I feel like it’s a bad idea to cope with TF art because that would be the last nail in the coffin for the fetish accusations against me. I’d RP but it would be seen as “grooming.” I’m entirely fucking lost.
I’m normally so open about myself and am all for living out of spite, but for the first time I’m paralyzed. I thought I was entirely free from the shackles of puritanism, but evidently it’s different when you’re trying to accept yourself and not others.
I think this is my final black space door so to speak - the final intrusive thought to overcome. But I don’t know if I can do it alone.
Hm, maybe part of it is that you’re nervous about existing in the world as a paraphile. Which admittedly can be very scary, and you often have to omit the truth.
Deconstructing repressive worldviews is often a lifelong process. And too often, people are much too hard on themselves in ways they would not be hard on others. So you’re not alone.
late response but if u wanna talk to another aroace autozoo ve are one, and used to feel the same way, maybe still feel a little guilt, but it’s mostly from how others see sus. Ve are more accepting of vorself now.
You’re ruling out the only things that will work because you care about the opinions of people who are not involved in what you’re doing for some reason. The only people who can see you’re looking at tf art are the ones who can see your search history on e621. If you’re giving anyone that much access to your shit, that’s the first problem you should fix.
You care way, way, way too much about what people think your labels mean. Yeah, the aroaces would mostly tell you you don’t belong there. Because they’re normqueer bigots. Disregard them.
The way you write about it makes it seem far more likely to me that you’re not actually that anyway. You struggle with a traumatic level of shame that makes you sex averse. That’s not the same as not actually being interested. You clearly are on some level or there’d be no conflict about not “belonging” to these “communities.” A therapist can help you overcome the giant stack of internalized phobias you’re dragging around.
