I think she does not like me anymore.

I have a very close friend which I know a very long time and a few years ago I trusted her with my paraphilias. While she dealed with that very well sometimes the thought crosses my mind that she might think I am disgusting in secret.

I asked her if she actually likes me even when she does not understand my sexual pleasures. She did not answer. Than I asked her if she hates me. She said ironically that she does.

While I know that she meant with that that she does not hate me it was not what I was hoping to hear. What I wanted to hear was something like “No, I do not hate you” After that little talk we got both very quiet and I had to hold back my tears.

And the fact that she did not tell me directly what her feelings are worries me.

What if she actulally hates me? What if she just could not say that into my face? What if she is only my friend because we know each other very long and she has nobody else?

I would like to ask her about that but I am not sure how. I dont want to sound akward or offensive.

Do you also had such experiences and do you have some advice? What do you think about my situation? I know I overthink too much but I cannot stop it.