For awhile now I’ve been wondering if I may have Narcissism and/or possibly Psychopathy. But you wouldn’t notice at all because… possibly it’s clashing somehow with my other brainweirds.

I often have thoughts like

  • I deserve to be appreciated and thanked more
  • People should look up to me
  • I am the best (and the worst)
  • I would be a great leader or mentor
  • I deserve this more than you
  • I am smart and cool and unique
  • I know it all better
  • I am one of a kind

I can get quite petty about it in my thoughts. Like, when I get rejected or ignored I think stuff like ‘well I don’t like you or want to be there anyway, you don’t deserve me’. I never verbalize such things publically and neither do my actions reflect that I have such thoughts at all. But in private, it can really make me spiral.

I know there’s more to NPD and ASPD than just that, but I really wonder where those thoughts are coming from, as they can’t really be explained by any of my other brainweirds. Maybe my cPTSD, but it’s a stretch. I do have a lot of trauma and my coping mechanism used to be people pleasing but it turned into spite after people pleasing gave me more trauma and didn’t even stop me from being rejected.

Please don’t suggest RSD, it’s already on my radar and I’m struggling to accept whether or not I have it. It still wouldn’t explain the grandiose self thoughts anyway. I feel quite self conscious and contradictory, because outwardly, I really want to appear friendly, welcoming, chill, interesting, knowledged, approacheable, trusted, caring, reliable, and charismatic. I think I am, but I am also distant, sassy, arrogant, unhinged, rude, aggressive, petty, moody, bold, emotionless, and cold.

    • A Friendly StrangerOPMEnglish
      4·
      1 year ago

      Thank you! Due to me autism it is difficult to deduce whether or not my behaviour is in control. I mean, surface level, I definitely don’t have stereotypical extreme impulsive behaviour, I’d say. I don’t get in trouble with the law, but I hate following rules and customs. So when I can, I neglect them. Also due to my general brainweird, I think in probabilities, which helps me decide how to act. So I guess that doesn’t sound very impulsive.

      I’ll be making another post soon because now you got me thinking about a whole lot of intersection. /positive

  • unicornsEnglish
    1·
    13 days ago

    Okay very relatable and I want to respond to these as autist responding to autist

    I deserve to be appreciated and thanked more

    You prolly do. I think autistic people are generally special and historically have served important roles. I imagine spiritual, healing, and advisory roles in particular because we are so insightful (pattern recognition and autistic nuance).

    But society has “progressed” in a way that hurts autistic people’s ability to stand out and be revered (or even feared) as much as they can/should.

    People should look up to me

    I generally think autistic people should be looked up to. Because of our insight and passion we often have special insight. We also produce more thoughts which makes us more generative/creative. We are what makes society “larger”. We are particularly expansive and irreplaceable.

    I am the best (and the worst)

    Relatable feeling that can result ftom being exceptional yet disabled by a limiting society.

    I would be a great leader or mentor

    Autistic people are better suited for these roles. Definitely mentor roles but also autistic people are thought leaders. We produce the most thoughts and have the most unique and passion-informed things to say.

    I deserve this more than you

    I won’t respond to this one. I don’t know what “this” is referring to.

    I am smart and cool and unique

    This is true also and a pretty good thing for anyone to think but also you literally are more unique than others (more on that soon)

    I know it all better

    Sounds likely at least for some things, due to autistic nuance, thought generation, and passionate interest.

    I am one of a kind

    Factually true if you’re autistic especially. While allistic brains are mostly the same, autistic brains are all very different. Autism isn’t a spectrum just because different people are different. We are more varied than most groups.

    Anyway at least some of these thoughts are “healthy” by “normie” standards; people are just conditioned to see pride and self-respect as sinful. As a whole very relatable and maybe keep going with some of these (it’s not up to me but whatever). People can be insecure and envious, especially NTs who don’t understand how ND confidence manifests.

    I’m not gonna touch on “pettiness”; this is a nuanced thing but yeah you deserve to be appreoacted and thanked. Thank you for this post

    Well wishes!