CW: anxiety, suicidal thoughts and actions, self harm, family problems, death threats

When I was a kid I did not know any thing about sexuality. I spent my time with playing, watching TV and creating my stories in my head. But one thing I surely knew was the magic which I feel in my tummy whenever I think and see something about giants.

Books, CDs, pictures. I always were drawn to these giant creatures. I loved living beings of a big size since I can think. One of many reasons why I was opsessed with dragons so much.

Oh man, I loved dragons. I feel sorry for all my past friends. I must have been a annoying child, always talking about dragons. But let us go back to the story.

Giants just had their own appeal which I could and still cannot really descripe. And it did not take long until I started to discover my own body. You know, that first time in your life were you realize you have something between your legs and you start playing with that. It started when I was still in kindergarden. It felt good, it was fun. And every time I did this I imaged a wide variety of scenarios where giants played a important role. Sometimes it was the giant dog who let a tiny man suffer inside their mouth, me being between the hair on a giants head and/or exploring their huge body. These imaginations where a every nights routine.

But something was off. At least I felt that way. For me finding giants appealing and wanting them to be near me was completly normal, still I felt like an outsider with these feelings. Maybe it was because of the fairy tales where the tiny people did not enjoy the company of a giant or the other people who did not share the same fascination as me. I cannot tell why I felt that way but I did. And it got worse.

I started to realize my own sexuality when I was in the first class I think. My sister had sex education for the first time and shared her small wisdom with me. That is when I realized that the thing I did almost every night was mastrubation the whole time. And I realized my sexual feelings towards giants. It made me feel much more like an outsider than I already felt before. But that was not all of my struggles.

First of all, I thought as a child I am not allowed to have sexual feelings and do sexual things. Second, my sister shamed me everytime when she walked into the room while I was doing private things.

And the last thing is that I did not feel like I could talk about it. Not only because of my sexuality. Also because of the way my sexuality works. I just felt attracted to giants. And I was sure this is a bad thing. So I started to repress these feelings, to deny them and to convince my self that it is nothing. If I realy would be attracted to giants and all that stuff it would be disgusting. That is what I taught myself a very long time.

And now we are coming to the darkest part of this long journey.

When you talk about wanting to repress your sexual or/and romantic feelings here in the para community you might get at least this answer once: When you repress your feelings they will get stronger. At least that is what I say when I answer other people with that problem.

Why? Because it is true. But for me it was also so much more. I do not know if anyone of you experienced this too but I surely did. These thoughts came still back to me. But I pushed them down and learned to fear them.

But before I begin to go into detail it is very imprtant to also understand the enviroment I was in.

I had family problems. My sister had aggrassion problems, threatened to actually kill me and after some time I only could sleep in my mothers room. I had nightmares almost every night, struggled with school and had to hear almost everyday how my mother and sister screamed at each other. Hell, I was right there when I saw my sister cutting her wrist deep so that the blood turned dark.

So I already had that shitty enviroment. Perfect for my anxiety to develop.

I had these thoughts and feelings which I did not understand and were scared of. I felt ashamed for both aspects. For the feelings and my fear. And I even forgott the joy which I was actually feeling in the past. I kinda forgott a very great part of my identity.

I got crazy. Insane.

I got out of the bad. I was scared. Of what? I dont know. But I had these pictures in my head. Giants.

I got into bad. Still scared.

I lived my life. Tried to surfive every school day. I had panic attacks which no one could see.

Sweat, pounding heart, dizziness. I was captured in my own world full of repression, fear, self-hatred and the question why I am like this.

I could not enjoy the things I enjoyed. All the movies with size differences I watched, all the stories which I loved. Gone. The only thing what was left was a hole. I missed something but what?

But how much I tried to repress my desires they always find a way. They came back every night, creeped into my thoughts. But these pictures were beatiful. and after I let them in I felt something which I missed for way too long. The hole what I could not fill was filled again. But as soon as the sun rised it was all gone again. I survived the days which were a mix of panic attacks and the fighting between my mother and sister. All that while I still did not understand my feelings. I did not understand my fear and my love. My panic and my desire.

At the highest point of my fear I tried to kill myself more than one time. If it wont end then I will end it. That is what I thought and planned.

I actually had a therapist at that time but she did not help me since I did not talk about my fears which hounted me. Until one day.

One day I realized I cannot handle this all alone. I need to talk. At leat one time. It was hard but it actually helped me a bit. I felt kinda free after I talked about my emotions. Of course I told not the whole story. I did not realize the whole storry. I did not get it. And I also only talked about a few aspects of my panic. I did not tell what these pictures in my head looked like.

Slowly I began to face these feelings. At least I tried and it got even more confusing. I understood now that I still think giants and their actions are appealing but I was also aware of my panic when I was a seeing huge size differences. I mean I was happy that I found a bit of my joy again but I was also ashamed for these weird feelings.

I tried to make sense out of it. I tried to explain to myself why I am like this. One of my favorite explainations was the tiger one: I do like tigers very much but would I be in front of one then I would be scared. Of course I would be.

The thing is that tigers do exist on earth and I did not have panic attacks by reading about them or seeing them in movies. So my explanation did not work for that and after some time I realized that. I need an other but I did not had one.

I was like this and I had to accept it. But this is not the end of the story.

Not only my panic attacks were a struggle for me and I got into the psycharty. I had very much time to think about myself whitout getting disturbed and I realized my sexual attraction more clearly. I realized that I not only find giants fascinating but also think that thay are seriously sexually attractive. And I let my thoughts be. My panic did not just go away but I learned my ways to handle it. I begane to write my first giant stories and while I was still scared I learned to enjoy my feelings of attraction. I discovered a side of myself which I buried long time ago.

When I was out of the psycharty and discovered the term “macrophilia” I saw myself in it. But of course I just had to be in denial.

Do you know the one paraphiles on social media who claim to be “not one of the rest” and to be “different then the others”? That was exactly how I talked to myself. I did not call myself a macrophile because macrophiles were “disgusting” it is weird because I did not actually judge them. I just did not want to be one of them. And one day I realized… Shit, I am one of them. Now I can only laugh at myself. I was so much in denial. But I think it is no wonder that I ended up like this at first.

Society taught me I had to fit into the norm and I taught that to myself. And even when I accepted that I am a macrophile I struggled a lot.

But the para community saved me.

Void who were on TikTok as an open zoophile opened a Discord Server for paraphiles. I needed a long time to join since I was scared that Void was a bait. Also I did not have any connections to the para community. And my english was also not the best. But then I joined. I do not want to say that Discord is the best for a paraphile servers to be but I loved it. And I still do.

I met people with the “strangest” attractions there. I did not even know that people can fall in love with plushies. And I realized it is okay to be not “normal”. These people were kind and understanding. I wrote in a confession chat that I am scared of giants and also think they are sexually attractive. A system answered something like “Same, everything we are scared of we want to fuck”. I still love how blunt this answer was. It did not help me to understand my feelings better but it still was nice to hear.

It needed a long time in the para community to even see the things which made me actually suffer. My attraction was never the problem. It was my own fear.

I still do have panic attacks. My last diagnoses(I got them only verbal yet) says I have an anxiety disorder. But I found joy again.

My family situation is also way better now.

My life is not perfect but I found joy in my attraction again. Attracton is joy and I am happy that I realized that.

I am happy that I am here alive and can tell my story.

The diversity of sexuality and romatic is something beatiful. And I am proud to be a part of the community which saved me.

I am a proud macrophile.