I think I was around 14 or 15 when I started discovering this side of my sexuality. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, so it was either one of two things:

I first started noticing that I was still attracted to kids a lot younger than me, which prompted me to look for loli/shota porn, and then I started to accept myself and identify as a MAP…

Or I first started getting into loli/shota, which made me realize I was also attracted to kids and then I started to accept myself and identify as a MAP.

At any rate, I was always good with computers so I quickly figured out the inner workings of the MAP world. At first I wasn’t even sure if I was a MAP or not and I had this idea that I would seek professional help to “not hurt any kids”.

A lot has changed since then and I’ve become much more comfortable with my sexuality. Thinking back to when I was younger, this pretty much echoed how I felt about being bi - going from denial and thinking that I should go through conversion therapy to being out and proud. (Well, I’m not out about being a MAP, though I am proud.)

Now the only thing I’m struggling with is trying to figure out if I’m also zoosexual or just a confused furry lol. Though because now I’m a lot more comfortable with expressing and exploring my sexuality I don’t feel guilty about this possibility, and I’m more willing to accept myself if I am indeed a zoo - though even if I’m not I think the struggles of MAPs and zoos are very similar so I’ll definitely still remain an ally.

  • @Pinkpawn
    5•11 months ago

    When I was 14, we had a 56k modem, so internet porn was no time to fun or convenient. I discovered text-based erotica and asstr.org

    While reading many stories, I eventually stumbled into some that featured incest and children. These were the hottest ones, the most taboo. And I couldn’t believe how many there were.

    This has always put me at ease, knowing that there was so much content made me sure that there are many many many people out there who are also turned on by these fantasies. (I think minor attraction is just normal sexual attraction. If someone is cute or sexy, their age won’t matter. Look at how many people counted down until the Olsen Twins’ 18th birthday. It was just because they wanted to openly ogle them)

    Of course, back then, I thought it’s just fantasies. But once I went to a Japanese video store in Kagoshima and saw legally sold child porn–an entire floor dedicated to it! I was curious and wanted to stay and look through. It just reinforced my theory that this is popular and common.

    as I got older and worked with children, I came to see that it’s easy to be attracted to some of them. They are often attracted to me, maybe because I’m a teacher.

    Finally, I dove in and started actively seeking child porn. Mostly out of curiosity. I was shocked by how sexy a lot of it was. I was also ashamed by how badly made and abusive a lot of it seemed. (I wish it was legal, then I think we’d see some kind of improvement in quality and treatment of models, and not so much exploitation by horny family members)

    Now I’m learning to embrace and accept that I can be attracted to young people. My wife knows about it and even shares some of my feelings.